Friday, November 5

Rasydan Ma'at: Shattered Glass

Almost a year I have been as an important person in the society and now everything is going to change like 360 degrees where I have met the end point.
If it's not because of SRC, I believe that I will not be able to be at the top and working with thousands of wonderful people around me where they were actually teach a lot about the reality of another world which you don't see unless if you be in my shoes and in my position.

One of the memorable moments where it was my first time I've got the chance to join with the Students' Facilitating Front of IIUM and they were actually teach me how you're going to be as a facilitator especially with the community that is not among your age and I was so excited because I always have a dream to get involve with this kind of people that could teach you something new which you are not going to get it in the classroom or in your daily life and when I spent the whole day with them, I see that they have this kind of beautiful spirits and family bonding between each and every one of them.

I must say that, I have been in a weird side of my world which I was completely lost focus, lost myself and I was lost my way. I didn't even know what I'm doing. I have really good days where I deal really well and there are some days where it's in my face where you're like 'oh! he's feeling it'. So, it's like I have really good days and I have really bad days. Faiz, he was part of the magnitude of what I've become so then he was gone I was like 'what I'm suppose to do with myself?' and I was so young. I would go out just to keep my mind busy just to keep going so I've became like a goer. Real busy boy. I was devastated and couple of months later I lost Adam. I was once again hit my head to the wall and It was lead me to the weird path of my life. I changed my appearance, and almost everything about me. I went to so many places and it was like now I'm here but tomorrow I went to some other places and I spent a lot my time with Ahza and I did everything for him and when it ended I felt so alone. I didn't want to really think about the reality of it. It was like, I'm okay and I can do this. It's going to be okay. But never really faced it and I just ran.

I wanted to stay busy and I went to many places and I went here and there and people starts to think that I was doing something bad and I was devastated you know. TWO important person in my life abandon me at the same time and people thought it was like I'm going crazy and stuffs like that with the way I dress and how I looks and my appearance was change and how I talk in front of other people and how I carried myself but I mean, I was going through a lot and it was just feeling a form of a little bit of rebellion or feeling free. I did not want to tell anyone what was happening because I don't think it was anyone's business really.

The day after I went to class and get myself busy with stuffs that I love to do. I was doing a lot of events in the campus, working day and nights try to get myself busy with my assignments and go window shopping every weekend with my best friend and I ate a lot (hahaha) I mean, I was just trying to be happy with my own way even people starts to worry with my weight and I don't really care about it. Doing events was kind of like spiritual experienced for me.

Everybody has the world that they created around themselves and when I starts to get busy with my job as a student I feel a lot better because finally I could open my eyes and see a long way that I still have to go and catch my dreams and I feel I am part of the people. I went home and I wanted to just stop. I wanted just for everything to stop and shut it off and try to create a new life. Now everything has been going fast for so long with assignments, events, thousands of due date, my job and I'm so busy. I don't see what's going on and I don't have time to stop and think. I'm a very private person wherever I go there's like somebody there. I think that to myself, there are people out there that have it a lot worst than I do. Because of I have become one of the SRC members makes me got to know a lot closer with Ahza and my darling Fatin Adilah. We just went out the three of us, having fun and going back home before night and the day after we went out and bought two turtles and laughed at whatever shop it is and it was like a spontaneous excitement that we have and we were like, let's go to this place and we pack up, we take a trip and we go.

There's like a lot of different aspects in my life. There's like my family, my career and my personal life. And when you tell people and when I told them the way I feel, it's like they hear me but they're really not listening. They're hearing what they want to hear. They're not really listening to what I'm telling them. It's like, it's so bad. I'm so alone and I was planned to do something bad but thank God, I still got my family to support me and I still have my sister to take me out and feel the crispy air and we ate ice cream together and people do not know these are the things that was happen into my life. They just saw me being a crazy person but why I chose to go back home was because I need to be with my family and I need to enjoy myself with my sister. I'm sad. Even when you go to jail, there's always a time that you know that you're going to get out.

At this point, I have my precious jewels which are my family, my friends, my best friend (Ahza), my darling (Fatin Adilah), and my job. Those are the things that have kept me going really strong for the past two months. I have to be around them all the time and it's just the best feeling in the world.

I choose to be a happy person and I choose not to be a bitter person if I have a bad day. I get really really angry with myself and I flip it and I tell myself, I'm going to have a good day. I'm going to be strong. I will be strong and that's how I choose to be. I think there's a perception out there that's even not really me. I think people believe based on what they hear and it's not even really the truth so I feel like it's important for me to write this post so that people could understand what is really going on couple of months ago.

As a Muslim and a Mu'min, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I just have to look back and say it is what it is and learn from my mistakes and I'm a strong boy and enough is enough. I think majority of my friends, my family and the people that see me how I go through this phase of my life want me to strive and do well and be powerful and be a strong man. I'm just like other people, I love what I do and I love myself.

You know that fire you see behind my eyes, like to be on stage like little light that shine in my eyes, it was missing for couple of months ago. And for the first time, you saw the fire again.
Alhamdulillah, God gives me strength. Alhamdulillah.. =)